You Are Living the Dream Tennis Life — SS #34

Player 1: John is a 4.0 player who is playing in his league finals on the weekend. Life is busy, he has a big project due at work before the new year, and he’s upset that he has to work over the holiday period. If he’s being honest, finances have been a little tight, and life at home is less than idyllic. When he thinks about playing his match, he’s frustrated that he has to also drive 45 minutes away. Additionally, he’s been wanting to update his three-year-old Babolat frames but hasn’t had the time to do the research or look into new options. Match-day arrives and his teammates ask if he wants to go out after the match for a couple of beers. ‘Beer?’ he thinks. ‘I drove all the way out here, you guys better f*cking play well. Get your heads in the game.’ As he gets to the courts, he hears the hsssss of tennis cans being opened. His opponents hand out Penn balls. ‘Fucking great,’ thinks John. ‘First, they make us drive out here. Now they’re going to make us play with these bricks.’ The match starts with John in a foul mood…

Player 2: Gary is playing in the end-of-year club tournament. His schedule is also packed—end-of-year deadlines at work are piling up, and he has family obligations to juggle over the holidays. Money has been tight, as one of his kids has been getting into tennis as well, so he hasn’t been able to buy those new Wilson frames he’s been eyeing up (he’s a big Roger Federer fan), and his current ones are starting to feel a bit beat up. But instead of fixating on what he doesn’t have or how his life is less-than-ideal, Gary spends some time reflecting on what he has; he’s seen those videos of kids playing tennis with hand-strung rackets on dirt courts with flat balls who all have better footwork and intensity than him! In contrast, he has top-of-the-line rackets that are only a few years old and even better… he can buy new tennis balls whenever he feels like it. He spends some time thinking about how he’s cultivated a lovely passion over the decades and still enjoys hitting a great slice out wide on the deuce side and following it in for a clean volley. He focuses on how he’s still active and mobile in his late 40s compared to his peers who struggle to make it up and down flights of stairs without being winded. As he steps onto the match court, a beautifully maintained indoor venue, he thinks about how lucky he is to play on such pristine courts and to enjoy this sport….

While both players face similar circumstances and potential challenges, their outlooks couldn’t be more different. John approaches his tennis with a critical, tinted sense of negativity while Gary on the other hand, though he recognizes that things are not ideal, chooses to spend his time and bandwidth focusing on how good he truly has it. Could it be better? Sure. But that’s not where he puts his mental focus.

You Are Living the Dream Life

Dr. William B. Irvine’s work has been quite influential on this topic for me. Particularly, his short lecture called, “You Are Living the Dream Life.” As far as I know, it’s only available through the Waking Up app. So if you have access to it, I do recommend checking it out. If you don’t have access to it, just send me an email and I should be able to give you a month’s worth of free access to the app.

To summarize, the thesis of the talk (and the larger lecture series) is this: human beings tend to anchor and compare themselves to things we don’t have or cannot attain. We can try to gain happiness and contentment by focusing on the things that we don’t have—or we can turn our attention to all the ways our lives are blissful and wonderful without even realizing it. If only we were a little more grateful and spend time appreciating what we do have, we would be happier for it and enjoy our lives more.

I initially scoffed at the idea.

That’s dumb.

But after I tried applying it for a while, my approach to life radically changed. It’s a constant process but it really has been impactful.

I know it’s a bit morbid to say, but as someone who was born in the third-world, and immigrated to the West thanks to my parents, it’s perhaps a little easier for me to connect with. Life could have been so different for me. But it’s not, and I have a lot to be grateful for.

If I consider things from the perspective of someone who might have stayed in India (I’m Australian now but was born there), I realize that the privilege of learning this amazing sport, competing in it, traveling for tournaments, and meeting so many incredible people along the way wouldn’t have been possible. Tennis has allowed me to make life-long friends from all over the world, paid for my undergrad and my first masters, and opened up many doors for me—such as being able to spend some time working in New York—and has kept me generally healthy and fit.

Damn. Maybe I need to do some more of this gratefulness thing. It’s not that I haven’t had my struggles. Far from it. But looking at it this way has been transformational for me.

What Does the Research Say?

Of course, this isn’t just a woo-woo newsletter, and I know you’re not really here to hear me philosophize about life, so you know I’ve looked into the research for you about how gratefulness and gratitude as a concept has been applied in the sporting world through sports psychology.

The research on gratitude and athlete well-being and performance is still in the nascent phases, but that being said there is a little bit of work being done. Dr. Nicole Gabana, CMPC®, is one of the foremost writers and researchers on this topic and her research (along with her colleagues) shows that gratitude helps athletes manage stress, maintain a positive outlook, and even reduce burnout.

For example, one study implemented a workshop called “Attitude of Gratitude” with college athletes. Participants engaged in practices like gratitude journaling and reflecting on positive aspects of their sport and life. What were the results? Athletes reported increased optimism, greater sport satisfaction, and a stronger sense of support from their teammates and coaches (Gabana et al., 2019).

Gratitude also aligns with Fredrickson’s (2001) Broaden-and-Build Theory, which puts forward that positive emotions (like those cultivated through gratitude) expand an individual’s ability to think and act creatively.

Let’s apply this to our tennis and back to our players at the start.

Gary has a better chance of approaching his tennis with an open, adaptable mindset and could potentially react better to pressure situations as compared to John. Gary, if he were on a tennis team, would also be more likely to have stronger connections with teammates or doubles partners.

Furthermore, Gabana (2019) notes that gratitude has been shown to enhance life satisfaction and social connectedness in athletes, reducing feelings of isolation and helping build mental resilience.

I mean… what’s not to like?

Ways You Can Apply This To Your Tennis

Gratitude isn’t just a feel-good sensation that you can try to evoke, you can consciously use it to impact your performances and improve your relationship with tennis.

1. Gratitude Journal: Experiment a little. Does writing a gratitude journal relating to tennis and your ability to play this sport impact how you view your matches? Are you more relaxed, able to have a better perspective on winning and losing? Gratitude journaling is a common technique used in many facets of life—but see how you do applying it to your pre-match routine. Find some quiet space and write with a pen and paper or perhaps in a notebook. Does reflecting on how grateful you are to play this sport alleviate your anxiety?

2. Mindful Appreciation: Savor each moment—continuing on from your gratitude journal experiment, as you walk onto the match court, reflect for a while, that 100s of millions, even billions of people, would trade spots with you in the blink of an eye. How many people who have ever lived get to play sport for recreation or passion? If you really did the calculations, it would be a slim slice of the human pie. We are the lucky ones. And you’re fixating on feeling anxious and thinking about what it will mean if you lose?

3. Express Gratitude to Coaches, Partners, and Loved Ones: Let people know how much they’ve been helpful to your tennis journey. Maybe it’s a past coach who was quite impactful on you, or someone who supported you or continues to support you. Is it your partner who comes and watches you play occasionally? A parent who introduced you to the sport? Do this right before you step onto the match court. And notice how it impacts your mindset.

Gratefulness vs. Toxic Positivity

It’s important to distinguish gratitude from toxic positivity.

So, gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring challenges or pretending everything is great and beautiful and wonderful. It’s about acknowledging both the good and the bad and choosing to focus on what you can appreciate in the moment.

For example, Gary doesn’t deny that he wants new rackets, or that his his life is busy, but he chooses not to dwell on that. Instead, he reframes them with gratitude, which helps him maintain a better perspective.

Toxic positivity, on the other hand, dismisses struggles entirely—pretending they don’t exist or forcing an artificial “good vibes only” attitude. It’s about balance, not denial.

The Bliss Doesn’t Last

This is a mental skill… and unfortunately the way us human beings are built, doing one gratitude practice really isn’t that impactful. Sure. It might feel good in the moment or even after for a little while, but eventually, the feelings fade.

As humans, we’re wired to adapt quickly to good things, which means the positive feelings from a single act of gratitude won’t last forever. This is why it’s essential to make gratitude a regular part of your life. Like practicing your patterns or finding consistent time to get on the practice court, you need to put in reps. The more you integrate gratitude into your routine, the more natural it becomes, and the greater its impact on your mindset and performance.

Speaking About Gratitude…

As we round out the year, it’s time that I show a little bit of gratitude, too.

It’s amazing to me that over 700 of you read (or at least click to open it) every week. Through this newsletter and my writing and creating tennis content online, I’ve had the opportunity to work with players in different Australian cities and several states across the USA!

These are players I would never have crossed paths with were it not for sharing content online, so I am thankful to work with you and try to help you through my coaching.

So thank you for tuning in every week—I truly am grateful.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Don’t Make This Mental Mistake ↓

@beforeandaftertennis → @malharmalicoaching

P.s.: I’m transitioning from Before and After Tennis to Malhar Mali Coaching! As I shift my focus toward sports psychology insights and evidence-based coaching, I feel this new name better reflects what I aim to share with you.

Disclaimer: I am not an Association of Applied Sports Psychology CMPC, certified sports psychology practitioner, nor am I a licensed mental health counselor, PsyD, or clinical PhD. I am pursuing a master’s in sports, exercise, and performance psychology, and I am a sports psychology practitioner-in-training. I have over 20 years of experience in tennis, including playing, coaching collegiately and with professional players, along with club management experience as a director of programs. I am certified by the Professional Tennis Registry and am a member of Tennis Australia. My aim is to bring the best information to tennis players around the world so that you can apply it for long-term improvement—but sometimes I will make mistakes. If this is your area of research or expertise, and you feel I’ve misunderstood something, please get in touch with me and if required I will happily issue a correction.

References

Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.218

Gabana, N. T., Steinfeldt, J. A., Wong, Y. J., & Chung, Y. B. (2019). Attitude of gratitude: Exploring the implementation of a gratitude intervention with college athletes. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, 31(3), 273–292. https://doi.org/10.1080/10413200.2018.1498956

Gabana, N. T. (2019). Gratitude in sport: Positive psychology for athletes and implications for mental health, well-being, and performance. Journal of Sport Psychology in Action, 10(4), 185–198.